ARE YOU A PRESSURE PARENT?

The following survey has been taken from the Amateur Survey Association of Great Britain. If you answer yes to one or more of these questions, you may be in danger of pressuring your child. It is important to remember that the parents' role is critical and should be supportive at all times to ensure a positive experience for your child.

1. Do you want your child to win more than he/she does?

2. Do you show your disappointment if he/she has a poor result?

3. Do you feel that your child can enjoy the sport only if he/she wins?

4. Do you feel that you have to "psyche" your child up before competition?

5. Do you conduct "post mortems" immediately after competition or training?

6. Do you feel that you have to force your child to go to training?

7. Do you find yourself wanting to interfere during training or competition thinking that you could do better?

8. Do you find yourself disliking your child's opponent?

And Some more along this line.....

SEVEN UNDERMINING THINGS THAT PARENTS SAY

If you begin reading this article and you see (or hear) yourself, try to realize that all the other parents reading this article are hearing themselves as well. ALL parents are subject to the same desires of success for their children. It is very difficult to contain the instincts to instruct, protect, and encourage your children. Often we think we are saying the most right thing, when in fact, it is just the wrong thing! As you are reading through and begin to feel defensive, please realize that this list is not intended to be a judgment on the parents. Even I have said some of the things on this list to my own kids! This list is just to help you be more aware of the huge impact you have on your children and to help you be more alert to ways in which your comments might be detrimental to your swimmer. This list has been compiled from years of research and discussion with other coaches and swimmers across the state and region.

"You should flip turn ... (or breathe less or tuck your chin or ANY comment at all about their stroke) "

It is not the parent's job to critique their child's swimming. This is what you pay the coaches to do. Only the coach and swimmer know what the swimmer needs to be concentrating on and extra instruction from parents only causes confusion. Parents may tell their swimmer to do something that the coach does not want them thinking about. Try to let the coach coach and show your confidence in the coach by not trying to do the job for them. Show confidence in your swimmer's ability to understand their coach's instruction.

"Suzy beat you by 5 seconds!" or "You beat Suzy by 5 seconds!"

You should never compare your swimmer to other swimmers. Your swimmer cannot control how others are performing and they need to be able to concentrate on what they are doing. You should express your support for your swimmer, not be worried about others.

"Are you tired? Drink you gator-ade! Eat, eat, eat. Do you need another towel?"

Parents should try not to obsess on every little detail. Allow your swimmer to be responsible. Allow them to find what works for them. Allowing them to learn may mean allowing them to make mistakes, but that is ok. Your demands not only make them resistant to doing the right things, but they also imply that you don't believe that they are or that they are even capable of doing the right things. On a subconscious level, you are telling your child they have not done what they need to and this undermines their ability to perform.

"When will you taper? Why are others already tapering?"

Parents do not need to be concerned with aspects of their swimmer's training like tapering, except perhaps as it effects their carpool times. When you begin to worry about tapering, you express to your swimmer that you don't trust the coaches to be doing the right thing. This undermines the swimmer's confidence in the coaches and the program and in their own ability to swim well.

"I will buy you a new suit so that you will be faster."

Suits do not make kids fast in the water. Practice, work effort, and focus are what help kids improve. Kids need to feel you believe in THEM, not in some magic suit, or similarly, some magic pill, that will make them better. In addition, some parents bribe their children to reach certain times. This is really unfair to the child. You are not allowing the child to set their own goals, you are setting their goals for them. Furthermore, the reward should really be the accomplishment, not some external prize that you are offering up.

"If you think that I am going to spend all my money to come to a meet and watch you swim like this ..."

What is the real issue here? Your lack of money? Your embarrassment? If your swimmer is swimming poorly, this is when they especially need to know that you support them in their efforts.

"The coach is embarrassed to take you to the meet because you are too slow." "The coach likes Joe better than you." "The coach probably thinks that you can't swim the 500 freestyle."

Wow! What are you telling your child? That they aren't good enough? Or are you making excuses for your child? Parents should never speak for the coach. The coach knows why particular decisions are made pertaining to each swimmer. If your swimmer expresses concern over these decisions, then encourage your swimmer to talk to the coach. Show your faith in your child, the coach, the program, by encouraging direct communication between coach and swimmer.  Also remember that what you say may not be what your swimmer hears!

So, what CAN you say to your swimmer to be supportive? How about, "I love you." "I am proud of you." "Talk to your coach." "What would you like for dinner?" "What time is practice?" And the old reliable, "I love your suit!" Stay positive and focus on the character qualities you want to instill in your child and minimize your focus on their swimming.